The Frog of War

Sylvia Shawcross

There are seven types of frogs in the Ukraine. So whenever you look at the map of the Ukraine to see how the war ”They” (we can’t call them the elite anymore because it upsets people so we’ll just call them Them with a capital T or They with a capital T to be gender and class neutral…)

Where was I? Oh yes…

When looking at how the war They are peddling is going it is important to remember the frogs because everything else is just noise and misery. The frogs however are carrying on as they do.

Frogs are completely carnivorous and eat all sorts of bugs because they are frogs. Humans are, e.g. not frogs and do not normally and very occasionally eat bugs but only in a pinch or for special events.

Many intelligent frogs are concerned about the terrible future for frogs because human beings are about like you know 10,000 times bigger than they are and they apparently are going to be eating “their” bugs now.

This is a terrible threat to the frog’s way of life and they are mostly, with the exception of one type, innocent peaceful creatures who only want to make tadpoles and gulp and sing and hop and stuff.

They have, after all been doing this for 265 million years at least starting apparently in Madagascar. It is entirely wrong of us to erase this vibrant history of frogs to cater to new social constructs that involve the mass misery of frogs by eating their food. It is appalling. The frogs will starve.

Certainly there are a few countries in the world such as France who like eating frogs and this holocaust of frogs has been carefully re-scripted to look like gourmet meals much like the plight of the crickets and cricket croquettes of Ireland now.

The frogs looking on know full well this is not gourmet food but unable to garner any plutonium and having no opposable thumbs have been unable to help their comrades. This is a source of great sadness to the frogs who every 25th of February can be found howling in swamp circles all around the world.

However, the swamp circles are not the important thing here. The important thing is the “edible” frog of the Ukraine and Europe Pelophylax esculentus. Unlike the mealworm there is no clue to the importance and possible utilitarianism of the Pelophylax in its latin name. It is sometimes called the European black spotted frog but this is no longer politically correct as labelling something as having spots is highly hurtful and triggering. In the country it is simply known as the edible frog, much to its deep horror.

The Pelophylax esculentus are deeply guilty and may quite possibly be the cause of the complete collapse of Civilization. They deserve to be served up on a slice of anchovy toast with plum grapes and red peppers. Particularly those living in the Ukraine.

Pelophylax esculentus has been mucking about with DNA ‘lo these many years. The Pelophylax is a crossbreed from two other types of frogs and the fertile female offspring of a Pool Frog and a Marsh Frog can reproduce without using any of the breeding male’s genetic material. So, in essence, she produces clones of herself with the same DNA.

The parents of the Pelophylax obviously inspired scientists to create biolabs mucking about with DNA all over the Ukraine. Resulting in all sorts of terrifying possibilities that may bring down the entire world.

Now some argue that the concept of biolabs in the Ukraine is purely Russian progaganda so instead of calling them biolabs, let’s call them what Victoria Nuland (USA Undersecretary for State) called them in the senate*: Biological Research facilities. Mentioning such things causes the powers that be to become apoplectic over fake news and stuff.

They could well be correct but we, the mooing herds, will never know. Ours is not to know, ours is but to do and die as we know. We are only at the moment allowed to acknowledge such types of research in Wuhan because we’re supposed to be apparently mad at China now or so some believe. Mind you, it doesn’t look like China itself funded the research, or so some believe so being all mad at China is questionable here. Or so some believe.

But to some it does seem obvious we are going to war in the Ukraine simply to finally save humanity by eliminating the ultimate inspiration for humanity’s destruction by destroying once and for all, all the Pelophylax esculentus. It has to be I’m afraid.

We simply can’t have these frogs inspiring anybody to do things like eliminate the need for males e.g. or mucking about with DNA or eating all our insects and stuff. Honestly. I’m afraid life can mean some hard choices. And those frogs are guilty as hell. They don’t even deserve a Nuremburg 3.0—throw them in the pot with some parsnips and be done with it.

Next week we may discuss how to think positively while pondering the abyss.

Your earworm for the week:

But it was a hard choice because who of us doesn’t like this one:

Syl Shawcross lives somewhere on the planet and sometimes writes things for no reason whatsoever and doesn’t necessarily believe a dang thing she writes. This opinion piece is the result of someone desperately searching for a way to be amusing in a ghastly world. And I like the word ghastly and intend to use it frequently. It is like a ghost and a gasp all rolled up into one which is how the world feels today. Which of course is what They want.